my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
