take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
