I'm jealous of your bromance
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
