Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
