did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
