Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
