I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
