I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
