You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Randomize
