JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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