Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
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my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
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Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
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