Plan B is the new Plan A
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
