You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
