she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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