I'm jealous of your bromance
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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