I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
