we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
