finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
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