Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
