He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
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