So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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