Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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