Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Randomize
