This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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