watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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