The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
