"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
the condom got lost in my hair
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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