I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
