ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
