he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize