The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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