Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
