I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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