fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize
