I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
