I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
