If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
