i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
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I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
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