Pappa wants mamma naked
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
