I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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