I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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