he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
