Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
