I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
