Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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