its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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