You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
