Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize