Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
