It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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