she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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