I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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