His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize