The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
