my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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