i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize