hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
