Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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