I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
