My cat gives me a boner
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
