True but thats because hes a fetus.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
